The Blagger's Guide to...The Classic Movies

You've done it - blagged your way through your first Star Trek conversation you total legend you, but now your peers have pushed the boundary and mentioned something called The Wrath of Khan. 

You'd previously thought this was some sort of euphemism for stomach ache but after taking our extensive Lesson One on The Original Series (aka Star Trek), you're aware that this might be a reference to that guy with the ponytail and corny chat up lines.

Oh heck, they're moving into a new field - but what do you do? Never fear my friend because it's time to take a quick spin into the years between 1979 and 1991 - we're taking Kirk to the cinema!  

It's a real rollercoaster of excellence, missed opportunity and Shatner ego contained in just over a decade. At the centre we still have that familiar crew we discussed in The Original Series - but they're older, wiser and in some cases, wider.  Observations that Kirk seems to be wearing a hairpiece or that Spock's ears seem to change shape every movie are expected standard fayre as you go through the six movies. Scotty's newfound love of facial hair is another change that Trekkies can be guaranteed to notice when in packs...that and Shatner’s fondness for hairpieces...

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1978)

Key Villain: None except for a giant space cloud. Klingons get a cameo. Could include Roddenberry if you want a fight.

We know you're not a fan yet, but if you're going to tackle this one, drink some Red Bull. Legend has it entire millennia have passed unnoticed during the journey through V'Ger and you could watch the entirety of The Original Series just in the bit where Kirk tours the Enterprise in a shuttlepod. Don't worry about looking for your LCD TV's warranty either, that beige look you get isn't a fault, it's what it's supposed to look like for the full two hours. 

Key suggestion - say "oooh" and "aahhh" every time the Enterprise comes on screen and openly initiate a note on whether or not this is a totally new ship given the extensive overhaul. Avoid mentioning how great you think Decker and Ilia are as characters and that you look forward to seeing how they are developed in the next five films.  If you really want to open up the fandom can of worms, start a sentence with, "I mean, why the heck did they need to redesign the Klingons...?" and watch the sparks fly between fans of Discovery and everyone else - bring snacks because it's gonna be a right bunfight. Don't worry about discussing the actual plot of this apart from the last ten minutes because no-one else will really remember either and will already be thinking ahead to the next one.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Key Villain: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan (say it now, scream it later)

Put the disc cleaner through the blu-ray player because colour is back in town and this is hallowed territory. The guy with the ponytail from The Original Series is back and this time he has pecs and a set of muscled dancers as his posse!!! Now, it may be difficult to blag this one without watching it and memorising the script but here goes our attempt to have your back.  

Standard comments expected will include note of how in the world Chekov knew Khan when he wasn't on the ship during the original episode (Space Seed) plus just how much of The Motion Picture was reused to save a few quid. That said, you'll have to mention the USS Reliant which was originally designed to be the other way up and how tragic the story of Kirk's son is. I would memorise the following quotes; "I have been and always shall be your friend", "Have you ever heard of the Klingon proverb that says revenge is a dish best served cold...?" and "Kobayashi Maru". 

The last of these you can drop into any conversation with Trek friends where the topic is something extremely difficult to accomplish, nay impossible. Your "...you know what..." comment can be that it was neat to reference Ceti Alpha V in Enterprise when they showed the alternative future in season three. Remember friend, you cannot in any way diss this movie or you will be cast out of the Trekhood for all eternity. Additional: it is mandatory to show emotion when the last fifteen minutes are discussed as this is a zenith for fandom. No need for words, just a bowing of the head and a solemn silence for five minutes will do.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

Key Villain: Kruge, Chekov's wardrobe

Title says it all and directed by the guy who played Spock. That's a lot of Spock for your money. Cleverly point out that the guy playing the Klingon Kruge (there's that K thing we talked about in lesson one) was in Taxi and Back to the Future but do it as a compare (was he better in "X" or "Y") rather than a straight fact.  Also drop a comment in about how the Excelsior is much better later on when Sulu is captain (plus points for the cross reference to The Undiscovered Country). 

Yes, I know this is a spoiler for the uninitiated but it will at least make it look like you have some idea of what's coming. You should at no point act surprised that Spock is back nor that he conveniently looks like Leonard Nimoy again by the end, you just have to accept it. It's also one of those pieces of Star Trek that fans like to quote; "If my grandmother had wheels then she'd be a wagon..." (Scotty about Excelsior) and "Zero...zero....zero...destruct...zero" being another. 

Important to state how amazing the destruction of the Enterprise is in comparison to every other ship obliteration ever - including the saucer crash in Generations (lesson four). 

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

Key Villain: None. Giant Space Probe sapping Earth dry but not in an evil way. It just wants to talk to the whales.

Maxing out the 1980's, this fourth film was a big box office winner. Closing a trilogy of films, you can lighten up while watching this one, laugh at the fairly on form Star Trek humour and marvel at the fish out of water story. When this comes into conversation you should immediately choose to comment one of the following; "Double dumbass on you", "Where are the nuclear wessels?" (emphasize the "w") or "What does it mean 'Exact change'?", all of which will continue to cloak your lack of Star Trek knowledge as successfully as a Klingon Bird of Prey and raise a knowing laugh from your peers.

Triple fan points for dropping in background notes that Eddie Murphy was nearly in this playing a scientist and that part of the reason it did so well at the box office was because frankly, who the f**k was going to watch Superman IV?!

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

Key Villain: Sybok, the writers, the director, the producers

The first rule of The Final Frontier is that you do not voluntarily speak about The Final Frontier.  It's one of the few occasions Trekkies have every right to launch a verbal tirade at their own beloved property so take this opportunity by the proverbial horns and dig in for a wild ride.  Complain bitterly (but don't over-Shatner it) that The Final Frontier is dross and not worth the screentime, moan about the cut budget, that the special effects weren't done by ILM, that Scotty banging his head is NOT funny and that the true vision that Shatner had is lost. 

Do say how nice the Enterprise-A bridge set looks and that the shuttles are cool but that's IT. Set your expectations low for this one to avoid disappointment and it's more than acceptable to scoff at the inability to correctly sequence deck numbers when rocket-booting up the liftshaft. 

Cool points in this one for cross-referencing the use of sets from The Next Generation (don't worry, that's in our next lesson) and that at no time ever has Sybok been mentioned in Star Trek before or after this point in time. You are most welcome to add in for a gold star on your chart that (do this sarcastically) it's not like Spock has any other family we've never heard of (scoff, scoff, wink).

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)

Key Villain: General Chang and assembled conspirators, the one time Klingon blood is purple - and they make a MASSIVE thing of it...

Kirk and McCoy arrested! Sulu captaining the Excelsior! That guy who guest-starred in the last one is back as a Klingon and that one from Sex and the City is a Vulcan (make a crude reference about photo shoots on the bridge with a knowing wink).

Someone rammed this movie full to overflowing so much Christian Slater pops by - it's even got the head of the Von Trapp family spouting Hamlet while he shoots at the Enterprise but manages to avoid going into full song mode.

To be fair, these guys finally realised it was time to call it a day with their sixth outing and it's a good one. If you've hacked The Final Frontier without considering therapy then this will be a breeze and is as varied as The Wrath of Khan. You are permitted to say this is your second favourite but all must come after that sacred second movie. Lots of action, give nods to the story (even if it is showing the Federation negatively regarding the future of the Klingon Empire).

Once you have completed Lesson Three on The Next Generation you'll be able to link this one back in some of the sets plus a cameo from Michael Dorn as Colonel Worf (just go on about how cool it is that Worf's grandad is the defence lawyer in the court scene for now).  To step up a notch there's a chance to discuss why Voltaine is on the bridge when he "apparently" died as part of the flashback Flashback in Voyager (lesson six). Also spontaneously shout, "So where's Tuvok?"

There you have it, you're two lessons into becoming the ultimate Star Trek blagger with a set of knowing facts. The movies are ground that is trodden many a time and fans will have watched all of these six at least ten times a year so be very careful how deep into conversation you get around them.

For lesson three we will be steering towards the final frontier and where no ONE has gone before...get ready for The Next Generation!