The Blagger's Guide to...The Next Generation

So this Picard guy, he's done some stuff before, well, Picard yeah?

Very true, very true. In fact he was doing "it" for 15 years between 1987 and 2002 - but we're going to focus purely on the first seven in our third lesson, The Next Generation. Even more time specific, it's 35 years since the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D first took to the airwaves so what better time than this to dive into the show that hooked millions.

Lesson Two on the movies probably felt a bit tasking so I waited for a while before delivering this latest instalment in your blagging - I mean education.

This show is as much hallowed ground as the original, perhaps more so and you'll need to be Fact Loaded to start tackling it.

The Crew

Opening with Encounter at Farpoint, Jean-Luc Picard is a shouty man who doesn't like kids. Things do change for him. He quotes more Shakespeare, becomes less shouty but still can't abide kids especially the one he keeps telling to shut up. He stops the Klingon at Tactical from shooting a lot of things and you should always drop in something to do with contract negotiations and becoming a Borg to cover your tracks.

Argument starter for ten: Better than Kirk

His first officer - or Number One as he is called - is a bearded Kirk clone(!) called William T Riker. He has a subconscious obsession with obtuse angles and sitting down that make him an almost off-limits drinking game target. Too many have been hospitalised for his rakish stance at the side of Data during a red alert. He has a "thang" with the ship's counsellor, Deanna Troi but they keep it all calm in the show because it was years ago and was, actually just written for another pair of characters for a show that never got made. 

Argument starter for ten: Mention Wil Decker

While you can bemoan the choice to listen to another trombone recital from Number One, how about focusing some attention on Lieutenant Commander Data (that's day-ta not dah-tah) who is seeking to become human but frankly gets more action than anyone else. He wants to be human which leads to much merriment and also some real tear-in-the-eye moments.

Argument starter for ten: He uses contractions more often than they use the transporter

Over in Engineering (but not for the first season!!!) is Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge. Unsuccessful with the ladies for all time, Geordi might be blind but he gets to see thanks to a heavily modified headband.

Argument starter for ten: Wesley should have been Chief Engineer

In Medical there's Doctor Beverly Crusher. The older you get, the more you realise she's hotter than Troi. She's got this "thing" for Picard that goes mainly unsaid and it's worth dropping that in whenever you spot her in season three of Picard. Plus points for mentioning she choreographed the Muppets in real life. Additional cudos for bringing up her unceremonious departure and reappearance (seasons one and three).

Argument starter for ten: Sex Ghost

Taking over from the very quickly departed Lt Tasha Yar as Tactical Officer (he tries to fire the phasers but gets told not to a lot) is Klingon Worf. Remember him, he's around almost eternally it seems (see also Deep Space Nine). Talk a lot about honour, bat'leth swords, bad parenting and prune juice and you will do no wrong. 

Argument starter for ten: This guy needs his own series!

Finally there's Deanna Troi. Ship's counsellor who actually gets better as the show progresses. Sadly seems like window dressing for a good portion of the first couple of years but once they change her wardrobe up and try not to focus on pairing her with her mother for every story there's positives. She's part-Betazed (empath) so get ready for all the feels.

Argument starter for ten: Why isn't she in uniform? She's an officer right?

The Ship

OK. It's been 7 decades and a bit since the original series so to show that, the ship now has a "D" slapped on the end of the NCC-1701 numberplate. It's big and part of the suitably named Galaxy Class. In fact it's ridiculously big and it can split in two parts but only when the budget allows them to take the big model out of storage to shoot it. You'll be very familiar with the sets because they get reused in the movies, Voyager... anything that will help save some money!

Main places you'll need to be aware of aside from the bridge? There's an observation lounge for lots of talking and plot exposition, a bar called Ten Forward where Whoopi Goldberg serves drinks and gives advice (season two onwards). Of course there are the crew quarters, cargo bays that have no concept of health and safety and a standard set of exhaustive shuttles. One thing to know from the off is the wonders of the holodeck. Go anywhere, be anyone! This allows the crew the chance to effectively define the surroundings for their death given the number of malfunctions it incurs.

The Seasons

There are seven of them with (usually) 26 episodes in each with 178 episodes in total. Now I know that sounds worrying but hold on. There's no season long arcs that you need to keep track of. Yes, there are some recurring stories in there; Data and his evil twin, Worf losing honour, gaining honour and Klingon stuff, Geordi being unable to hold down a relationship for two weeks, Riker and Troi - but these are all sprinkled in. Just mention one or two occasionally to show you're aware of them and you'll be fine. There are some two-parters but that's probably the longest attention span you'll need (90 minutes - manage that?). 

Best to either decide if you hate or love the omnipotent Q who pops up a lot. His stories are a mixed bag of brilliant to meh. Oh and then there's the Borg. You might have seen them neutered in Picard' first season but here they are truly BAD ASS. Always compare them here and in the First Contact movie to the way they are poorly treated in Voyager once we reach that lesson. 

Key episodes

Encounter at Farpoint - it's the first one. Q's in it. Ship separates. The trial never ends.

 
The Measure of a Man - Data's clearly not/is a person/robot and I agree/disagree

Yesterday's Enterprise - That's the "C" and it's come forward in time. Yar's back, only Whoopi Goldberg knows the timeline's changed. Got to send it back!

The Best of Both Worlds - The Borg are back huh? And WHAT? They've made Picard a Borg? They're coming for Earth? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!

Sins of the Father/Reunion/Redemption I & 2 - Klingon Civil War! Gowron dude! Those Duras sisters are creepy.

Unification - Spock! He's on Romulus and it's all a bit cloak and dagger but he meets Picard!

Relics - Scotty! He's on the Enterprise and he meets Picard!

All Good Things... - It's the finale. Hang on a minute - 25 years into the future? Isn't that about when Picard is set? Well that didn't go to plan did it... Trial never ended by the way!

So there you have it, Star Trek: The Next Generation in a bite-size format that will absolutely bowl your peers and soon to be Trek friends right over. Concerned that you'll have to watch more after this? Don't worry because I'm certain there'll be some snapshot follow ups to keep you up to date!

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The Blaggers Guide to... The Original Series

You've seen the trailer, you might have even caught up with Beyond when it dropped onto Blu-ray round at a mates house on Netflix but now you're really considering watching Star Trek: Discovery and that other one - Pick a Card or summut...

Thing is, you've shockingly discovered that Star Trek isn't just a trilogy of movies from the guy who did Cloverfield, Mission: Impossible and a couple of Star Wars movies. That show starring that girl from The Walking Dead and Lucius Malfoy is getting some attention and has been for a couple of years - you're feeling a bit left out. Plus, horrifyingly, it seems there's a whole host of episodes and movies that came before 2009; like a lot.

In fact, it's become clear to you that Star Trek is over 50 goddamn years old. Where did this all come from? How did you miss it? Was it on at the same time as Love Island or Big Brother? What are the 1960's exactly? How are you gonna catch up on that much TV history before a new season of Discovery airs. You'll need to prep so you can hold your own with your friends the morning after a new episode airs. What is to be done? What precisely???  

Fear not because here at Some Kind of Star Trek we like to think we can help with this dilemma and get newcomers out of that difficult situation. So, in the first of a new series we are going to be giving you the essential knowledge and some curve-ball facts that will keep you in the good graces of your Star Trek badge-carrying friends and colleagues. Compacted down into a bite-size chunk, you'll know your Tribble from a Targ in minutes and be able to vomit fact after fact to keep you in the loop. Let us begin, logically, at the beginning. It's 1966...  

The Original Series or, just plain and simple Star Trek ran for three years before it fell off the wagon and was cancelled in 1969 because no-one was really fussed to watch it. The first two series are classics with the third being something of an clusterfuck at times, LSD trip at others and a mish-mash of super-cheap stories to fill a rubbish Friday night US TV time-slot.   

Basic Background

Ok, actually Star Trek first erupted from the mind of Gene Roddenberry in 1964 with the pilot episode The Cage which the network hated, like really hated but still oddly liked - apart from that pointy-earred guy. All of the characters from that episode were binned off except, ironically, the pointy-earred guy (but more on him in a bit) and Gene kept his wife on the payroll in another part because he couldn't have a woman in as senior a role as first officer - I mean, jeez, how would she cope... welcome to the 1960's mentality...!

If you have seen the JJ 2009 movie and Into Darkness then you'll know Christopher Pike who was the captain of the ship in that pilot story and he's probably the best bit about the second season of Discovery so take note and he's getting his own show called Strange New Worlds. He also turns up in a wheelchair after a tragic accident in the only two-part story of The Original Series called The Menagerie. For reference it's the first pilot sandwiched into a trial on the USS Enterprise to save a bit of cash. Always correct people when they say Jeffery Hunter played him in The Menagerie. It was Sean Kenney.

So, for 79 episodes the crew Boldly Go Where No Man ('60's sexism right there again) Has Gone Before on the USS Enterprise. This might turn up in Discovery so remember the name. The design is a classic so don't go slating it in that morning catch up and occasionally drop into conversation something about that gold thing on the front being a deflector dish to stop it getting splatted by debris and planets at warp speed.

Couple of useful nerdy facts for you here, the registry of NCC-1701 was selected because it was easy to distinguish the letters on a TV and the transporter was created because they couldn't work out how to land the ship. The bridge is that lump on the top and the shuttlecraft comes out of the hatch at the back of the middle tube. Weapons on the ship are phasers and photon torpedoes which will change location on the ship dependant on who inks in the animation that day.

Nearly cancelled after its second season, Star Trek would limp through its final year with a cut budget, trimmed scripts and as a result a drop in quality. The series went into syndication and was sold to stations across the US where it would find a new audience in the 1970's...and then guess what happened...drunk students watched it and loved it.

Characters

Captain James T Kirk (William Shatner) heads up the multi-racial crew, famously bedding multiple "space babes". You can determine which season of Star Trek you are in by the increase in Kirk's waistline and hair length. Shorter equals season one and near-mullet equals late season three. Delivering lines with. Unpredictable EMPHASIS on. Words and punctuation, Kirk is designed as the lead but has to share the limelight with Mr Spock (Leonard Nimoy), half-Vulcan, emotion-repressing and logical. If ever there's a dramatic moment, you can count on Spock to raise an eyebrow and find the whole thing "Fascinating". Do not refer to him at any time as Doctor Spock. Ever. It will be the last thing you ever say.

Their central trio is completed with the cranky Southern doctor in the shape of Leonard "Bones" McCoy (DeForest Kelley). His main reason to exist is to piss off Spock and compare his work as a doctor to a variety of  items including a bricklayer, an escalator and a moon shuttle conductor.

Down in the Engine Room (which wasn't there at the beginning and was altered for season two), was Montgomery "Scotty" Scott (James Doohan). Defying the laws of physics he could be found pushing the engines too hard and occasionally dying (twice) but always super-faithful to the only woman in his life, the Enterprise. At the helm is Lieutenant Sulu. He only gained a first name in Star Trek VI; Hikaru and didn't feature in a chunk of season two because he was off filming The Green Berets with John Wayne. Probably worth mentioning when he was infected with the virus in The Naked Now he ran around with a fencing sword thinking he was D'Artagnan. 

Communications and responsible for "Opening hailing frequencies" was Lieutenant Uhura (Nichelle Nicholls). Generally she'll be found either on the bridge or singing in the rec room. She's underused but is part of the first interracial kiss on TV with William Shatner. However, this is only the case because the pair messed up all the takes where you didn't see the kiss.

Last up is the mop-haired Russian ensign, Pavel Chekov (Walter Koenig) who arrives in season two in order to attract youngsters and fans of The Monkees. Some people think he was in season one. He wasn't. Fact; get over it.

Key Episodes in Seconds

The Man Trap - first episode aired and sixth produced. Salt-sucking alien disguises itself as different people to get a square meal. Kirk surprisingly doesn't sleep with it. 

The City on the Edge of Forever - the one with Joan Collins where Kirk has to let her die to reset the universe. "Edith Keeler must die." Knock this one at your peril, it's a frikkin' classic. (pic left)

Amok Time - first episode on Vulcan and includes famous fight music used in parody in a ton of shows. Spock "kills" Kirk with the Vulcan Death Grip. Practice the following melody for dramatic moments: Dah dah dah daa daa dah da da daaaah

The Trouble with Tribbles - see also Deep Space Nine's Trials and Tribbleations. Only decent comedy attempt in The Original Series. Tribbles hate Klingons and are born pregnant (which saves some time). Refer to any real fluffy animal as looking like a Tribble to confirm your fan status.

Spock's Brain - when mentioned, roll eyes and say "Brain? What is brain?!" then laugh and move on sharply to discuss something better...like Way to Eden.

Turnabout Intruder - last one. Super sexist and wouldn't be produced today. Kirk swaps bodies with a former lover. It's not great especially in the current climate. Ingratiate yourself with everyone by commenting how women should never captain starships...or you could actually step into the modern world. 

Use also titles: Where No Man Has Gone Before, The Naked Time, The Doomsday Machine and Plato's Stepchildren

Iconic Aliens and Villains

Klingons - original, sash-wearing, silver vested and moustache-twirling at its '60's best. Appeared first in Errand of Mercy (season one). Lots of macho posturing with these guys and they will be back older and grumpier in Deep Space Nine. Key names to remember - Kor, Koloth and Kang. In fact just make some up and stick a "K" at the beginning and you should get away with it.

Romulans - not as prominent as they were in The Next Generation. Cool ship called the Bird of Prey that can cloak. Budget cuts and a lost model meant they used Klingon ships in later appearances. Gold, purple and shoulder pads essential, helmets optional for prosthetic budget reasons.

Khan - bad superman from the late 20th Century with a killer ponytail. Renowned for the chat up line "Please sit and entertain me". Later spotted on Loveboat and would have questionable memory of Enterprise crew while spouting Shakespeare.

Gorn - green, plastic and the world's slowest fighter. Kirk could have defeated by walking away quickly...or even just ambled. Guy inside the suit is called Bobby Clark. I met him once, he's cool.

There you have it, a condensed and absolutely 100%(!) accurate intro to The Original Series. With this you will be able to go forth and stun (heavy stun) all your newfound Star Trek friends with your spectacular knowledge of the show that started it all. If you want extra points, always end your conversations with the Vulcan hand salute (pictured) and the words "Live Long and Prosper", however don't attempt this at a Star Wars convention.

Next up we'll be tackling the classic movies. There's only six of those so in lesson two we'll have to fill out the article with some other tips and tricks to make you look super Star Trek literate...I'll have a check if there are any behind the TV now...

Thanks for dropping by and reading our first Blaggers Guide - do you have any top tips to get you by on The Original Series? 

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